Wills are much more than legal documents; they are deeply emotional artifacts that reflect the relationships and values of those who create them. (Photo: Getty Images/ LaylaBird)
Live by Design is a weekly News24 column by Dr Helena Dolny and Mapi Mhlangu on mortality and the conversations around it.
Recently, a friend of mine shared a legal document with me that he described as an effort to “correct the wrongs” of his late father. In what he believed was a wise decision, his father had made him the sole beneficiary in his will, leaving the family home, savings, and all material possessions solely to him.
As the months passed following his father’s death, my friend – a loyal yet bewildered son – found himself grappling with more questions than answers. What was his father thinking? Their orderly mother is still very much alive, along with three other siblings. At first, he accused his father of insensitivity. What message was his father sending to the rest of the family?
I tried to console my friend by pointing out that at least his father had the foresight to create a will. And that he must also recognise that drafting a will is often a tedious and emotional exercise, which may have led his father to take what he thought was the easiest route: leaving everything to the son he believed would do right by everyone.
Six months ago, my friend finally managed to transfer everything into his mother’s name, who is also ailing. This raised another question, though: Have they drafted a better will for her? This was his answer.
“Yes, we have been updating HER will every year since Papa left us. Every September, we take the time to revisit it because we have learned that this month is especially focused on legacy. We realised that we could have saved a significant amount – specifically, R300 000 – if my father had signed the draft of the will he had prepared. The unsigned version was more inclusive, considering I have other siblings. Thankfully, my siblings are supportive, and we all prioritise taking care of Mama. Given Mama’s age, we anticipate that she may pass before us; however, we have also considered other eventualities. The bottom line is that we are committed to preventing the headaches we experienced when Papa died in 2020.”
Therein lies a critical lesson in estate planning that many families face but few openly discuss.
Wills are much more than legal documents; they are deeply emotional artifacts that reflect the relationships and values of those who create them. They can symbolise love, support, and the hope for harmony among loved ones long after one has passed away. However, when not handled sensitively, they can also sow discord and resentment.
In South Africa, where family ties are often deeply cherished, the impact of a poorly constructed will can reverberate through generations. My friend’s scenario is not unique. Many families face rifts and unresolved emotions due to perceived injustices in estate distributions. The emotional fallout is as significant as the financial implications. Such situations can lead to estranged siblings and divided families, ultimately diminishing the legacy a person intended to leave behind.
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The underlying assumption in many wills is that the appointed beneficiaries understand the rationale behind the decisions made. Yet, when families are left in the dark or feel undervalued, misunderstandings can arise. For instance, while my friend’s father may have thought he was acting in his son’s best interest, he overlooked the emotional dynamics at play within their family structure.
As uncomfortable as it may seem, parents must engage in difficult conversations with their children about wills and inheritance. Transparency is key. It is important to discuss intentions openly. If your intentions are clear, potential disputes may be mitigated. If children know why decisions were made, they are less likely to feel neglected or slighted.
Create the opportunity for difficult questions to be discussed. Here are a couple for opening:
What legacy do you wish to leave? It is essential for parents to articulate their values and hopes for their children clearly. What do they want their inheritance to represent? A sense of unity, independence, or responsibility? And if may be that the legacy includes distribution to non-biological beneficiaries.
How will each child be affected?
Children have different relationships with their parents and siblings. A will should consider these dynamics and aim to promote family harmony rather than division.
Creating a will is not just about deciding who gets what; it is about how families can communicate and navigate their emotions.
Here are some recommendations:
Seek professional guidance: Attorneys specialising in estate planning can offer insights into creating equitable structures. They can also mediate family discussions and help navigate difficult conversations.
Consider alternative options: Trusts or joint ownership can offer alternatives that distribute assets in ways that honour family ties while managing emotions.
Engage in family dialogue: Create opportunities to discuss family values and future plans. Encourage honesty without judgement.
My friend’s journey is a reminder of the emotional weight that accompanies the creation of a will. When I think about other stories of hurt over inheritance that I have listened to, the element of the surprise of the unknown becoming known is like chilli salt on the wound. And there is the puzzle, why do so many people keep their wills a secret?
It’s true that life and circumstances changes. There are marriages, divorces, births, deaths, and career shifts to consider. In fact, it is important to update wills – we have found people who’ve done the LoveLegacyDignity programme suddenly realise that policy beneficiaries need updating. And a will written when your children were minors may bear little resemblance to one that you might choose to write 20 years later.
And that is your prerogative, to redraft and update. But tell us, why the secrecy? What causes the hesitancy that prevents open discussion? We suffer when loved ones die – but more so when important conversations have not happened.
The cover of Before Forever After by Dr Helena Dolny. (Staging Post)
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