Live by Design is a weekly News24 column by Dr Helena Dolny and Mapi Mhlangu on mortality and the conversations around it.
For several months, Helena Dolny and I have embarked on a journey of exploration and reflection, delving into what it truly means to live by design. Together, we have crafted pieces that examine the importance of intentional living in every aspect of our lives – from daily choices that shape our moments with loved ones to the critical medical decisions we face as we approach the end of life.
Through our own experiences, keen observations and the generous lessons shared by others who have navigated love, loss, grief and the profound realities of mortality, we aim to inspire a deeper understanding of how to live fully and authentically.
On the last Saturday afternoon of every month, we host Death Café – a safe place where people hang together for an hour and a half, and talk about life and death. Our members take turns to guide a session. Last week, we were invited to engage with a series of questions. The first was: Are you living by design or by default?
Our discussions had depth and challenge.
The dialogue turned into the exploration of our values, priorities and choices we make – or sadly often neglect to make – when it comes to shaping our lives. Our guide last Saturday was executive coach Sharon Jansen. She had prepared a series of deep, thought-provoking questions. Each question served as a mirror, reflecting our current life choices while challenging us to reconsider our paths.
The concept of living by design
At its core, living by design involves consciously crafting one’s life according to personal values, priorities and goals, rather than merely reacting to circumstances or societal expectations – essentially creating a life of intention instead of defaulting to the path laid out by others. As we asked ourselves what living by design means, it became clear that self-awareness plays a crucial role in this journey.
Identifying whether you’re operating by design or by default requires reflection. Ask yourself: Are you making choices that align with your values and passions, or are you going along with the flow because it’s easier?
By recognising where we might be living reactively – like following career paths that others deem “successful” or adhering to social norms – we can begin to shift our mindset towards intentionality.
Societal norms and expectations
Navigating societal norms is another significant challenge in the pursuit of a designed life. We examined how external pressures often dictate our decisions – from career choices to relationship dynamics. Society tends to impose standard benchmarks for success: Marriage, home ownership and career achievements. However, these milestones may not resonate personally for everyone.
To truly live by design, we must learn to question these expectations. How do they align with our values? Which of them reinforce our desired path, and which stifle our individuality? Sharon prompted us to think critically about how we could dismantle these pressures. This may involve seeking supportive communities that celebrate authenticity and setting boundaries with those who inadvertently impose expectations.
Happiness and fulfilment
One of the most striking realisations from our discussion was the profound impact that living by design has on our happiness and fulfilment. When we align our daily actions with our true selves, there’s an undeniable sense of joy that comes from creating a life that reflects who we are.
Conversely, living by default often leads to feelings of discontentment. We might find ourselves stuck in jobs that drain our energy, maintaining relationships that no longer serve us, or neglecting our passions due to fear or insecurity. Living by design is liberating; it invites us to pursue our interests and passions unapologetically, which enhances our overall wellbeing.
The necessity of sacrifice
However, this journey is not without its sacrifices. Sharon posed the essential question: What are you willing to give up to live a life by design? These sacrifices can range from relinquishing perceived security – a stable job or a familiar routine – to letting go of toxic relationships that deter us from our path.
READ MORE | LIVE BY DESIGN: The evolving role of grandparents: From storytellers to tech-savvy mentors
The willingness to sacrifice is paramount. It signifies commitment to the life we seek to build. The depth of this commitment often dictates the strength of the choices we make. Nevertheless, it’s crucial to approach sacrifice mindfully, ensuring that the choices we make enrich our lives rather than diminish our wellbeing.
Balancing design with life’s chaos
Life, however, is unpredictable and chaotic. One participant raised the concern of how to balance the desire for a designed life with the inevitability of setbacks and disruptions. The key lies in adaptability. Embracing the fluid nature of existence allows us to align our plans with current realities.
Failure plays an integral role in living by design. It teaches resilience and provides opportunities for growth. Instead of viewing setbacks as deterrents, we should see them as essential components of our journey, refining our approach and informing our next steps.
Avoiding over-planning
Yet, as we strive for a life lived by design, we must be wary of over-planning or rigidity. There’s a fine line between being intentional and becoming immobilised by the need for perfection. Flexibility is vital; it enables us to pivot when new opportunities arise or when life takes unexpected turns.
Reflecting on how to maintain this flexibility, we discussed the importance of setting in place loose plans instead of strict timelines, allowing for spontaneity and creativity. By embracing changes as part of the journey rather than obstacles, we can maintain a sense of adventure in our designed lives.
Personal values and reassessment
Personal values and priorities are the cornerstone of a life lived by design. They guide our choices and shape our identities. But how often do we reassess these values? This reflection is necessary as we evolve through different phases of life. What once brought us joy and fulfilment might no longer resonate as we grow.
So how would you answer the questions? What does it mean for you to live by design rather than by default? What to you identify as the approach you are currently taking?
The cover of Before Forever After by Dr Helena Dolny. (Staging Post)
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